Don't Tell the La Leche League...

...but I am done with breastfeeding. Sooooo done. Remember a few months ago when I was naively giggling my way through breastfeeding class? Well, the laughter stopped the first time we attempted breastfeeding. I say "attempted" because nursing the twins was an experience (to say the least) that started at day one. I have (at least in my humble opinion) the most amazing, beautiful, smart babies in the world, but when it comes to nursing, they really suck (ha ha, a little breastfeeding humor for you!). And to be honest, I don't think I'm so great at it myself. But I tried...I really did.

The trouble began the first day when the babies wouldn't latch...and the trouble continued when my milk took much longer than average to come in (my mom just reminded me about how I called her one day sobbing and saying, "I'm starving my babies!"). While in the hospital, we required the assistance of several nurses and three certified lactation consultants (including the one whose breastfeeding class I suffered through). The only way I could get them any nourishment was (TMI alert) to squeeze a few drops of colostrum onto a plastic spoon, suck it into a syringe, and feed them with that. I must have become the talk of the nurses station, because whenever they would come to my room they'd say, "Oh, you're the one that has been squeezing colostrum onto a spoon!"

A few days after we got home, we packed up and went back to the hospital to meet with another lactation consultant (seriously, was there anyone in that hospital who didn't see my boobs? I don't think so.). Shortly after that, we hired a ridiculously expensive lactation consultant to come to our home and work with us. And THEN we had a postpartum doula come and work with us on nursing (by this point I felt like there wasn't anyone in the entire metroplex who hadn't seen my boobs).

I was determined to tandem feed (both at the same time) Charlotte and Jensen so that I was not constantly feeding babies all.day.long. But as it turned out, even after they somewhat got the hang of things, I was still feeding babies all.day.long. The twins took anywhere from 45 minutes to an hour and a half to eat. They wanted to eat about every two hours. We have to hold them upright for 20 minutes after they eat to help their food digest. So as you can see, this left little time to do anything else...sometimes I wouldn't even get up from the bed before they were wanting to eat again. They would unlatch and re-latch several times each session (ouch!) and sometimes they'd even spit up while eating, which would leave me with spit-up all over my chest and stomach...and, as you can imagine, having twin infants does not leave you with the opportunity to shower each time this happened. Gross. More fun times would ensue during growth spurts, when I was not making enough milk (despite taking all the herbs, teas, etc.) to feed both babies. They'd scream and cry while trying to eat and I would end up crying while feeling like a big fat failure for not being able to provide enough for my babies. I was miserable.

I know there are some people who are able to tandem feed their twins without any assistance, but I was never able to make it happen. I don't know what the problem was--was I doing something wrong, or are my babies just that bad at nursing? Either way, this meant that I needed someone there to help me feed them each time...Brian, my mom, mother-in-law, sisters-in-law, etc. Before long, I didn't care who I was flashing as long as they could help me feed Charlotte and Jensen! I tried just feeding them one at a time, and I actually kind of enjoyed it, but they just took sooo long to eat that once again I found myself doing nothing but feeding babies.

I did try pumping and giving the Charlotte and Jensen the milk from a bottle, but I felt like I was missing out on time with the babies while I was glued to the pump. I think the last straw came when Jensen gave my mom one of his first huge open-mouthed smiles...and I missed it because I was pumping.

I felt lied to by that stupid breastfeeding class. They said that if the baby is latched correctly, it won't hurt...well, after verifying with several lactation consultants that they were in fact latched correctly, it still hurt. They said that hardly any babies will have reactions to anything their mom eats...well, mine wouldn't let me eat onions, spicy foods, or chocolate. They said that breastfeeding wouldn't interfere with your lifestyle...I guess it wouldn't if you could find a way to breastfeed twins in public, but I was definitely not that good. And my information packet said absolutely nothing about thrush, leaving me completely clueless as to why, all of a sudden, nursing the twins didn't just hurt...it really hurt.

So...it's now time to switch over to formula. I always imagined myself saying that somewhere around 6 months versus the 12 weeks we're at right now, but it's time. Since we began the weaning process, I have been so much happier. I have enjoyed the babies so much more. It doesn't sound like it makes sense, but I feel like I actually get more quality bonding time with them now. Not that the formula doesn't have its drawbacks, of course...it's stinky, expensive, and it's a pain to make all those bottles. But overall, it seems to be working out just fine.

You might be reading this and thinking that I sound really whiny, or that I'm a big fat failure, or that I should have tried harder to make nursing work. There is actually a small (okay, medium-sized) part of me that thinks that myself. I have definitely had some major feelings of guilt. But I'm trying to quiet those thoughts, and for the most part I feel good with my decision...the babies are happy and healthy and they deserve to have a happy mom taking care of them!

Edited to Add:
I wrote most of this post a few days ago (you know how it takes me several days to get anything done!) and it seems that I not only suck at nursing, I suck at weaning, too...I now have mastitis! Ugh! Breastfeeding strikes again!